When you’re experiencing infertility, pregnancy-related questions, comments, and announcements can feel like a punch to the gut, even when they’re not meant to be hurtful. Before I went through this journey, I was guilty of asking others things like, “Are you planning to have kids?” It was an innocent question, but now I understand that for some, it’s not always as simple as wanting kids or not.
Here are a few ways I’ve learned to respond to these questions, while also protecting my own heart along the way.
1. Understand That Most People Have Good Intentions
The first step in handling pregnancy-related questions is recognizing that most people mean well. Whether it’s a casual question about your family planning or an enthusiastic baby announcement on social media, these interactions usually come from a place of excitement and curiosity. For many, having children is a relatable and joyful topic, so they naturally assume it’s safe to ask about.
It’s important to remember that most people, especially family and friends, don’t know the weight their questions or comments carry. They might not realize how triggering a simple, “So, when are you having kids?” can be. In my experience, when I keep in mind that people are generally coming from a place of good intentions, it helps me respond with more kindness—even when it stings.
2. It’s Okay to Kindly Express How You Feel
I once had a friend say to me, “At least you’ll have a lot of nieces and nephews.” They were trying to comfort me, suggesting that my friends’ children could fill the void of not having my own. While it wasn’t meant to hurt me, the comment stayed with me for years—it felt dismissive, as though my desire to have a child of my own could be replaced by someone else’s kids.
My therapist gave me a great piece of advice: next time someone says something unintentionally hurtful, it’s okay to express how I feel in a gentle, respectful way. That feedback might help them understand that their words, while well-meaning, can be painful. And it could guide them to be more sensitive in future conversations with others who might be struggling with infertility.
I’ll admit, it’s not always easy to say something in the moment, and my first instinct is often to internalize these comments. But I’ve learned that by speaking up, I can help change the way people talk about infertility—not just with me, but with others in the future.
3. You Don’t Know Everyone’s Story
One of the hardest things about infertility is the constant comparison to others—especially when it seems like every other day, someone is announcing a pregnancy. It’s easy to feel like everyone around you is moving forward while you’re stuck in place. But one thing I’ve had to remind myself of is that you never know what someone else’s journey has been like.
Just because someone posts a pregnancy announcement doesn’t mean they didn’t have struggles getting to that point. Social media often only shows the highlights—the joyful moments, the milestones, the celebrations. What we don’t always see are the challenges, the losses, or the emotional toll it took to get there.
I’ve learned that it’s possible to be happy for others while still grieving for yourself. You can acknowledge someone else’s joy while recognizing your own pain. And that’s okay.
4. Sometimes, Social Media Needs a Break
As much as I love Instagram, there are times when social media can be more harmful than helpful—especially when you’re already feeling low. Scrolling through endless posts of pregnancy announcements, baby photos, and family moments can quickly send you into a spiral of comparison, making you feel like your life is lacking.
When I’ve found myself in those low places, I’ve learned that it’s okay to step back and give myself a break from social media. Disconnecting for a while has helped me reset and focus on things that bring me joy, rather than getting caught up in other people’s seemingly perfect lives.
Taking a break from social media doesn’t mean you’re not happy for others—it just means you’re protecting your own mental health. And sometimes, that’s the most important thing you can do for yourself.
5. Be Prepared with Boundaries for Difficult Conversations
As much as we’d love for every conversation to be sensitive and thoughtful, the reality is that there will always be difficult moments when people ask or say something that hits a nerve. Whether it’s a family gathering or a casual conversation with a friend, pregnancy-related topics often come up unexpectedly.
One thing that has helped me is preparing myself for these conversations ahead of time. Setting emotional boundaries can make a huge difference. For example, I’ve practiced responses for when someone asks, “So, when are you having kids?” Depending on the situation and how I’m feeling, my answer might be a gentle, “I hope to someday soon” or, if I feel comfortable, I might say something more honest like, “It’s been a difficult journey for us, and we’re still figuring things out.”
By preparing these responses ahead of time, I feel more in control when the conversation comes up, and it prevents me from feeling caught off guard.
6. Find Your Support Network
One of the most important things I’ve learned during this journey is the power of having a support system. Whether it’s your partner, a close friend, or even an online community of others going through infertility, having people who understand what you’re going through makes a world of difference.
When those difficult questions or comments come up, it’s comforting to know that I have people I can turn to who truly “get it.” They’re the ones who understand the emotional rollercoaster I’m on and know how to offer support without saying the wrong thing. Surround yourself with people who lift you up during the tough times—because this journey is too hard to go through alone.
Final Thoughts: Navigating the Questions with Grace and Self-Care
Pregnancy-related questions and comments are almost inevitable when you’re going through infertility. While it’s impossible to control what others say, you can control how you respond. By understanding that most people mean well, setting boundaries, and giving yourself permission to take breaks when you need to, you can protect your emotional well-being while navigating these difficult conversations.
Remember, it’s okay to express how you feel, take a step back from social media, and rely on your support system when things get overwhelming. You’re not alone in this, and there’s no right or wrong way to handle these moments—just do what feels best for you.
How have you handled pregnancy-related questions during your infertility journey? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
